Last week, a friend asked how I was doing. I told her that while things are good overall, I’m struggling a bit (I think “a lot going on” accurately describes the world right now).
She responded with a list of things I should be grateful for and MAN did it hit me wrong.
I gave an honest answer to her question–what else could I do?
Should I lie? Should I only give the highlights? Should I add a #blessed disclaimer to everything I say?
I was feeling gratitude guilt–when you know you should feel grateful… but don’t.
Gratitude is a proven tool to improve happiness. But you can’t make someone feel it–gratitude comes from within.
The only thing coming from within me at that moment was resentment. I do have so much to be grateful for, but getting a list that would fit on a Thanksgiving hand turkey didn’t help me feel it.
I had to step back and think about why my gratitude guilt was so strong.
First, I’m a big believer in feeling your feelings. I was expecting space to talk candidly and was caught off guard.
And second, I really wasn’t feeling grateful.
That’s the other half of the gratitude guilt. You do feel like you should be grateful.
I hate admitting it, but while I had acknowledged that things could be worse, it came from a place of proving I’m not a crappy person more than genuine belief. Instead of feeling defensive, I needed to take a chill pill (sorry Mary).
I’m here to say that you don’t have to feel guilty. When you’re going through a tough time, you are allowed to go through it however you need and that might include moments where it’s hard to feel grateful.
But also… I have to say that recognizing my lack of gratitude has been helpful.
Gratitude is useful, but gratitude guilt can be one more thing on a pile of shitty emotions. We have to be honest with ourselves on whether we’re feeling grateful and let others do the same.
To being better without lying through your teeth,
Elizabeth